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Men for Dummies

By June 19, 2020

Hello again. It’s been a while since I posted. Being in lockdown hasn't been as productive as I would have liked it to be, and progress on my new work is slow, but at least it's happening. Countries are starting to come out of lockdown, while some are just starting to face the devastating effects of Covid 19. 

I was browsing through some old article I wrote some years ago and I came across a humorous one I wrote in 2014. I thought it would be nice to share it with you. No offence intended to men, it’s all tongue in cheek.

Men for Dummies

Now you have taken delivery of your new man, please treat him with care. You must make sure that you maintain him regularly to keep him in good running order. The following includes a list of essential requirements. However no guarantees of trouble free occasions can be offered:

 

•Food – Please feed your man regularly as hunger can bring on a severe attack of grumpiness. It is always a good idea to teach your man how to feed himself.  Make sure he does not do this whilst intoxicated or your kitchen may look like a bombsite afterwards.


•Drink – Water regularly to prevent wilting. This may include alcoholic beverages, but only in moderation. It is advisable to make sure your man knows where the nearest bathroom is, thus avoiding your garden and furniture getting a hose down from over consumption, particularly alcohol.


•Massage – Your man may have a very fragile ego, this can be avoided by regular ego massage. Flatter your man with soothing words e.g. “Yes, you are strong and virile.” or words to that effect.


•Sleep – Please do not let your man go without sleep for any length of time. Tiredness goes hand in hand with grumpiness. If you wish to avoid domestic discord, ensure he has at least eight hours of sleep.


•Sport – Most men have a love of sport of some kind, whether it is as a spectator or a player. Football, baseball, golf, cricket, racing etc are worshipped. It is a sacrilege to do any of the following when a sport is being viewed on television: a) Talk b) Use the vacuum cleaner c) Stand in front of the said TV. If you are a sports fan, yourself this makes for a harmonious atmosphere. As long as you, both enjoy the same sports.


Warning: For those of you with a delicate disposition, there may be frequent bouts of colourful language whilst sport is being viewed. Use of an MP3 player at full volume is advisable.


Your man may not be in perfect condition when he arrives. This is not a manufacturing fault and no refunds will be given. Please follow these instructions to avoid friction:


Nagging – To be kept to a minimum and only used when completely necessary


Arguments – See previous. Please note that frequencies of clashes are likely to increase if you both have the following personality trait: Light the touch paper and stand well back.


Space – Give each other plenty of it when required.


Respect – Please respect your man and he will respect you in return.


Kindness – Try to be kind, even if you do feel like ripping his head off, because you are in a bad mood.


Love – Humans, no matter the sex, need love and the more the better. Please note: Men can confuse sex with love. Yes, it can be a part of love but not a substitute for love.


If you follow the Men for Dummies guide’s instructions, you should have many problem free years. Please note, extended warranties are not available.

 

© 2014 Paula M. Hunter

 

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