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Pipes & Prejudice


He is proud, she is prejudice. It's not a coupling made in heaven. 

According to Elizabeth Bennett, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single girl in possession of a fulfilling occupation does not need a man to complete or complicate her life.” However, her mother’s begs to differ. She disparages Lizzy's chosen occupation and her elder daughters’ marital status. When she learns of the arrival of a wealthy, young man to the village, her matchmaking, or what Lizzy would call “meddling,” begins.

A modern, romantic comedy interpretation of Jane Austen's classic, with a few twists.

Pipes & Prejudice is available on preorder at the retailers below. 

Read a short sample below

According to Elizabeth Bennett, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single girl in possession of a fulfilling occupation does not need a man to complete or complicate her life.” However, there are those who oppose this, the most vehemently, her mother Frances, who complains that her views aren’t taken into consideration. She often needs reminding that her daughter is not fan of her meddling, or what Frances refers to as “match making.”

“Lizzy! Lizzy!” A flustered Frances Bennett— known to all as Franny— rushed into the kitchen. Her cheeks were flushed pinker than the flimsy blouse she wore. Her immaculately coiffured, bottle-blonde tresses, on the other hand, had not one hair out of place. “I’ve got an infection!”

“What?” asked a voice, belonging to a pair of denim-clad legs, from under the kitchen sink. Lizzy already knew her mother had entered the room before she had spoken from her signature scent of Coco Chanel.

Her mother tutted and peered under the sink. “I’ve got an infection,” she repeated.

“Are you sick?”

 “No, silly girl. I can’t log into the forum again.” Franny peered under the sink.

Lizzy swore under her breath and threw down her spanner. Her mother spent most of her time trawling online “mothering” forums. Her particular favourite being, Mothers United. After thirty years of marriage and producing five daughters the youngest being seventeen, she felt she had not quite perfected motherhood. “You mean you have a virus.” As Lizzy inched backwards from underneath the sink she struck her head on the granite kitchen worktop. “Ouch! Shi...”

“Don’t use that language in front of me,” scolded her mother. “You spend too much time in the company of uncouth men. Anyway, what are you doing?”

“Fixing the leak.”

“Someone else could have done that. I don’t know why you insist on pretending to be an employee. You are a shareholder in the business for goodness sake.”

“I don’t pretend to be an employee. If there’s a leaky sink I can fix it. I’m a shareholder and a qualified plumber.”

 Franny cast her critical eye over Lizzy’s denim dungarees and long-sleeved t-shirt. “Why can’t you dress more professionally and go to work in the office with your sisters. Mary is fine, but Kitty is in dire need of someone to help her with motivation. I have tried my best, but she just won’t listen to me.”

 Grimacing as she straightened herself, Lizzy rubbed her smarting forehead and flinched. “It may have escaped your notice Mum that Kitty swears more than I do. Her lack of motivation is fifty percent apathy, fifty percent laziness. If she spent less time obsessing over celebrity culture, reading Z list celebrity magazines and watching morons on YouTube we might get a decent conversation out of her.”

Franny pouted and placed her hands on her hips. “I haven’t noticed.” She stood a good three inches taller than her daughter, although it was more because she more often than not, wore high heels.

“You mean by professional like you wear,” Lizzy straightened her dungaree straps, which had fallen around her shoulders. Staring at her mother’s tight fitted, black pencil skirt, she shook her head. “You know I hate wearing skirts and dresses”. She pointed to Franny’s shoes. “Those things will give you bunions.”

Her mother’s hazel eyes flashed with indignation. “I like them,” she hissed.

Lizzy sighed with resignation. “What makes you think you have a virus on your computer?”

“I don’t know if it’s the same as last time. I can’t log into the forum. I tried logging off the computer and switching it off and back on again.”

“Did you forget your password again?”

Franny remained silent and avoided eye contact with her daughter, preferring to keep them fixed on the kitchen door. Just then the door opened with a bang. “Ah. Your dad’s here,” announced Franny.

“Saved again,” muttered Lizzy. Her father had a knack of arriving at the right moment.

“I have some news Franny.” he bellowed.